


I Don't Dance to Dubstep

by scribeofmorpheus



Category: Deadpool (2016) RPF, Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Action, Adult Themes, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Burlesque, Dark Comedy, Deadpool being Deadpool, Everyone Hates Dubstep, F/F, F/M, Gen, Multi, Mutant Powers, No Smut, Other, Rated for Deadpool's Language, Reader-Insert, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Time Travel, Too many puns, Violence, WTF, Wade Wilson Breaking the Fourth Wall, X-men - Freeform, humour masks realism, mature themes, misadventures?, puns, silver fox kink, wacky adventures
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-08 06:04:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17975855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scribeofmorpheus/pseuds/scribeofmorpheus
Summary: This is a hot mess of a fic. There’s like no overarching plot yet. Honestly, the only thing you need to know is that your alter ego nickname isDJ, you control sound waves, your mercenary partner is a talking alien dog and you are just trying to pay your bills before your landlord kills you, probably…





	1. DJ stands for Don't Judge!

**Author's Note:**

> This series is still ONGOING! If you want to keep up to date with the latest chapters -and have a more interactive experience- I'm more active on my Tumblr. I also do Q&A's, and sometimes I take requests or do prompt competitions for my followers. Click [HERE](http://scribeofmorpheus.tumblr.com/masterpost) to visit my Tumblr main! Or click [here](https://scribeofmorpheus.tumblr.com/tagged/scribescribbles) for my Mobile app friendly masterpost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** I honestly don’t know what this is. I was listening to music while working on the next chapter of one of my fics and Ashes by Celine Dion came on and I thought of that Dubstep scene with Cabel and Deadpool and this happened! I just did a quick edit so there may be a few typos! _(Pairings? This may turn into a Cable x Reader thing if I explore it further!)_
> 
> **Words:** 1389
> 
> **Warnings:** Strong Language and Violence!

_¨(Gif not mine) _

The club music pulsed with such an intense base that you could feel the vibrations travel up through the floor, your ears practically screaming from the cacophony of over-mixed tunes. The strobe lights blinded you in brilliant colours of red, blue and yellow. Your head throbbed with a headache from the overstimulation of your senses and the only thing distracting you from the pain was the hoard of well-armed yakuza pouring in from every entrance and exit into or out of the dance club.

A playful grin spread over your face, the strobe lights making your teeth reflect off a different colour at every interval change. You pulled your gloves out of the back pocket of your leather pants and fitted them over your scarred hands.

"Let’s dance," you quipped as several katana wielding men in suits charged at you.

You focused the sound waves vibrating through every surface object and floor tile, forcing them to travel up from your feet into your arms, the energy collected until it burst out with harrowing, destructive effects.

The men were blown away like sheets of paper, some of their clothes tore at the seams and others were disarmed by force, their katana's flung towards their unsuspecting companions.

The single charge had taken more energy from you than you wanted them to notice, so as to conserve your strength, you pulled out your high voltage batons and decided to take a few on in hand-to-hand combat.

The fight was a collection of bright electric flashes, groans of pain and enthusiastic exclamations in Japanese that were probably threats or curse words directed towards you. When you took out the first wave of combatants you threw down your batons and removed your semi-automatic from its strap and fired a few inches from the feet of the crowd, trying to gain their attention.

You spoke in butchered Japanese:

"Watashi ga nozomu no waanata no jōshidesu. Tada aruki, anatawaikiteimasu."

_All I want is your boss. Just walk away and you live._

A few of the goons looked at each other, some in confusion and others in contemplation, but none of them gave you the impression they'd betray their boss -who was currently hiding in the VIP area of the club.

You sighed, "Suit yourselves."

You fired your gun a second time except for this time it was at the hoard of yakuza bodyguards. Some managed to dodge your attacks while others turned into target practice dummies.

When your clip ran out of bullets a second wave of bodyguards emerged, only they weren't wielding katanas. They were wielding heavy duty automatics and they all shouted a battle cry in unison as they unloaded their magazines in your directions.

"Shit!" In reflex, you stumped your foot and sent ripples of sound waves through the floor tiles to their feet in an effort to knock them to the ground. Some swayed, none fell and they all recovered quicker than you had hoped for. Out of options, you dived behind one of the lounge booths and took cover.

You were cornered and almost out of tricks. Suddenly, the glass roof caved in and the sound of two heavy objects hitting the ground sent another ripple of waves.

"Didn't anyone ever teach you not to shoot at girls?" The familiar voice of your most annoying nemesis made its way through the loud music to your ears. You swore under your breath. There was an unfamiliar droning sound of a weapon that didn't feel familiar to you. It sounded off just as the far end of the club erupted into flame, the explosion knocking you to your knees. That was some fucking gun.

You stood up to get a better view and there was Deadpool and a gladiator of a man finishing the fight you had started in an onslaught of severed limbs, bullet-riddled bodies and grenade explosions.

The older man lifted a rather large would-be-murderer of yours into the air and smashed him face first into the DJ booth, "I hate dubstep." He said with distaste.

When the fight was over you realised Wade had just stolen your second contract from under you in the last month alone. Your target, the yakuza boss of one of the Osaka branches, was dead on the floor and so was any hopes of you getting paid for the job.

"Fuck it, Wade. That was my paycheck you just turned into a kebab!" You swore at the red-suited mercenary. "You can't just waltz in here and claim my contract after I did most of the heavy lifting!" You pulled your gun out of your concealed holster in your boot and shot him point black in a tight three formation over his heart. You knew it wouldn't kill him, but you were also pissed off and in need of releasing some steam.

Wade staggered backwards, his form-fitted mask revealing his eyes were wide in disbelief, "What the fuck? You don't just go around shooting people Y/N!"

"Look who's talking," you spat.

"I like her," the man with the large robotic arm and terminator-esque eye said, approving of you having shot Wade. He was a gruff looking man, his height in no way making him any less intimidating. His hair was greying making him look like a silver fox and his voice was as rough as sandpaper.

"Who the hell are you, the Terminator?" Your tone was aggressive but he didn't seem to give a shit. He just gave a grumble-laugh and holstered his hand cannon of a gun onto his back. It seemed to be kept in place by magnetism or something with a magnetic field generator. He hopped off the stage where he had previously demolished the DJ booth, his landing was heavy.

Wade wiped off the blood oozing from the bullet holes with the pants of one of the dead gang members, you didn't even know -or care to know- how he ended up without pants before he died. Wade’s doing no doubt.

"Aww, aren't you two just the cutest," Wade said sarcastically in reference to your prickly chemistry with the new member of the Merc with a Mouth's roster of weirdos. You rolled your eyes at Wade. "Y/N meet Cable, Cable meet the most uptight mercenary I've ever met."

Cable grumbled again and you gave Wade the finger, "Only because you always steal my thunder, you giant used tampon."

Wade gasped dramatically, both hands where his mouth would be.

"Call me DJ," you offered to Cable.

"Why would anyone call you DJ?" Cable asked. Wade braced himself for what he knew was to come.

You casually clapped your hands together once and concentrated the sound waves through your arms, the waves rippled outward violently and with great force making a noise similar to the 'woob-woob' dubstep sounds that played over many songs. Cable hunkered down, he was the one brought to his knees this time. Wade was already curled in the foetal position on the ground, hands covering his ears. When the wave dissipated both men regained their former stances.

"It's not very original and a little too on the nose, but the name works," you explained.

Wade turned to Cable and waved his gun around, you couldn't tell if he knew the safety was still off and was just being an asshole or if he didn't and he was just being a dumb asshole, "And that is why we don't ask the moody mercenary why people call them by stupid, derogatory names!"

Cable shook his head trying to get the ringing to stop, "Jesus, It's still a stupid name."

Wade took out his severely outdated phone and took a poor quality photo of the dead boss, proof of death for the contract, "Well we best get going!"

You gritted your teeth, "You owe me, Wade!" You shouted after him as he made a grand exit by grappling up towards the ceiling. Cable chose a more direct route: punching the emergency exit door out of the wall.

"This isn't over, I'm coming for you, Wade Wilson!"

"I'll make sure to set aside the good china for you," he shouted from the roof as he disappeared into the night.

Unbeknownst to Wade or his new friend, Cable, you had shot Wade with a tracer and were planning on making good on your promise to collect.


	2. B*tch Better Have My Money!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** So this was just done as a pallet cleanser tbh! I don’t know if I intend to work on this fully, it’s just fun to write for Wade and Grumbly Cable. I’ve hit a bit of a writing slump for my other fics, one in particular and this little fun piece just sort of popped into my head! Also, full disclosure, Truth Dog is completely plagiarised. I read this amazing Comic over my Summer break called SAGA (highly recommend) and Truth Dog is just a cheap imitation of Lying Cat! (But then it works in the spirit of Deapool because... Deathstroke!!!)  
>  **Words:** 1210 **  
> **
> 
> **Warnings:** Language, Violence, Gore? Toilet Humour TBH  
>  ****

(Gif isn’t mine)

Wade had been distracted from his regularly scheduled cartoon programs when a loud explosion sounded off coupled with a flurry of debris flying at him. Cable had been busy calibrating his gun when the confusion happened. Wade was flung like a ragdoll from the couch into the weakly plastered wall in front of him. Cable steadied himself and shielded his body from the debris using his pulse shield.

Both men were high on alert and ready for anything. Well, to be honest Cable was on high alert and ready for anything, Wade was wiggling about trying to pry his head free from the wall -his robust butt clad in a pink unicorn onesie was swaying from side to side. Cable rolled his eyes and mumbled, "Jesus," at Wade.

As soon as you stepped in Cable untensed, lowering his hand-canon away from the tear in the wall. You regarded him with disbelief as he was lounging about in the most hideous flowered shirt you had ever seen. Well actually you had seen it before, it was worn by some character in the Goonies. Cable looked almost clownish, which was a stark contrast to his hardened stance and brooding disposition. Wade finally managed to free himself from the wall and let out a loud gasp for air.

"Wade, I told you this wasn't over!" You shook the dust off your hands, "I'm two weeks overdue on my rent, there's a high chance my landlord works for the Mob and I don't feel like getting my fingers bashed in because I couldn't pay on time."

"How in the holy balls of Christ did you manage to blow a hole in my wall? There's no music playing. Isn't that your shtick?" Wade shouted at you in a pained voice. When he turned to face you, both you and Cable had looks of disgust on your faces. Wade's nose was practically shattered, you could see the nose cavity in his skull, he looked like one of those cursed pirates on the Black Pearl.

"I can focus sound waves, Wade, I just used the noise coming from the TV. And really, Wade? Adventure Time. Really?"

"That's fucking disgusting," Cable complained.

"I know!" Wade flailed his arms about like those blow-up tube men that smile with a 'please kill me' look their painted faces, "I look like the Red Skull, only with less face paint. I look like the Ghost Rider only more realistic and better special effects," he drolled on.

"Wade… “Your eyes were wide and mouth slightly agape, this was the first time you had ever seen your red dominatrix suit wearing nemesis' face, it was hideous and you couldn't hide your shock. "You are hideous."   


Cable laughed at your candour remark. All of a sudden an old lady wearing glasses shuffled out of the toilet, the sound of the toilet flushes carrying over into the room with an echoing effect.

"Can't a woman take a shit in peace? Who the fuck is blowing holes in my house?" The old lady said, displeased with everything. She held out a small .34 and pointed it at an empty part of the room. She was blind.

"Oh my God Wade! You're squatting in a blind lady's home? What the fuck is wrong with you?" You craned your head around just to make sure no other strange people came crawling out of the woodwork.

"I'd have you know, me and Al have a very beautiful and sensual relationship," Wade said in a comical tone as he rubbed Al's shoulders with a lovers touch. It was super awkward. "Al has a way of seeing the real me, with her ears, but don't worry Cable, there's a special place for you in here-" Wade made a heart shape with his fingers over his chest and winked, Cable gave him the bird and Wade went back to massaging Al's shoulders.

"Get your hands off me! You better fix my wall, Wade, or I'll bust a cap in your ass!" Al warned as she shrugged off Wade's hands and used her cane to feel her way to the kitchen.

"Eh, I'll just cover the hole with a wooden board or something. It's not like she'll be able to tell the difference."

You rolled your eyes at him and unholstered your gun, "Wade. Money. Now!" Technically you weren't trying to rob him since he was the reason you were behind on rent in the first place. You were just re-appropriating your stolen money at gunpoint.

"Okay listen, I don't have it on me, but I can give you a top grade assassination contract. Big payload, easy job," Wade offered.

"Liar," the familiar voice of your partner made itself known as he sauntered into the building in a lazy manner.

"What the hell is that?" Cable asked.

Wade made a squealing noise similar to those from a hoard of fangirls, "You have a talking dog?" Wade scurried over to your partner and made a motion to pet him, your partner not being one for human affection or physical contact simply bit his hand off, severing bone from bone. It was a shame too, his face had just started to heal.

Wade cried out in anguish as blood squirted from his open wound, your partner spat out Wade's hand in distaste.

"Wade meet Truth Dog, Truth Dog meet Wade. And that grumpy guss over there with a sweet metal arm is Cable," You introduced your partner to the room. Truth Dog just went to plant himself on the couch, disinterested with everything.

"You’re not even going to scold him for biting a man's hand off? I'm all for a Star Wars reference, but God it hurts so much!"

"Don't pet stranger’s dogs."

"Why would you name him Truth Dog? It's such a stupid name," Cable commented.

"He's actually an alien. His brain waves are wired in such a way he can pick up on the subtle changes in humans when they lie."

"Another too on the nose name? Do you guys have no creativity? DJ, Truth Dog, what's next? A man who's bitten by a spider gets superpowers and ends up calling himself Spider-Man?"

You were getting impatient and decided to get the focus back on the topic of your money and away from your partner in crime. You shot wade in the foot, "Wade, don't make me ask a second time."

Wade hoped around on one foot shouting out 'Ow!" over and over and over again. You felt like you were watching an episode of Looney Toons. Cable had had enough of all this buffoonery and plonked himself down on the couch again, going to work on calibrating his gun. You were surprised Truth Dog hadn't growled or tried to eat his face off from the close proximity. Birds of a feather flocked together.

"Okay, okay! I got a new contract this morning. We were getting ready when you showed up. It's dangerous and probably going to turn into a scene from a Tarantino movie, but the money is good and we get to blow some shit up. You in?”

"Truth," Truth Dog affirmed.

"We're in," you said gleefully, "Now hurry up and regrow that hand so we can get Momma her dollar bills!"


	3. Want a Starbucks with your Kidnapping?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** Okay so the conversation with Cable about the scars isn't intended to be a metaphor for self-harm or hint at bad parenting. Instead, it is meant to be a metaphor for embracing ones perfectly imperfect flaws like stretch marks or cellulite or skin discolouration. In short, it's nothing ominous. Also, this is the longest chapter yet! And don’t mind the fact I inserted myself into the fic, he does like to break that fourth wall of realism that darned Wade Wilson! **Readers mutant power given alter ego is DJ, so no ‘Y/N’ in this chapter.**
> 
>  **Words:** 2399  
>  **Warnings:** Mature Language,  
> 

_(Gif isn’t mine)_

"Okay be honest, what would you want your stripper name to be?" Wade continued his useless musings with Domino over the comms.

"That's easy: Lady Luck," Domino said without having to think about it.

"Huh… I'd go with Shiklah the Divorcer, abbreviate it to STD." Wade said wryly. There was a larger story behind his words.

"What?" Domino asked, completely oblivious to the context of the STD jeer, although truthfully, no one else seemed to get it either.  


"Are we all in position?" asked Wade over the secure channel. Your earpiece felt like nails on a chalkboard due to your ability to focus sound waves. Your head snapped to the side and you made a hissing noise. Cable, who had been partnered up with you shot a concerned look your way. You raised your scarred hands up to signal you were fine.

"We're in position," Cable answered, the feedback from your proximity to each other caused another intense soundwave to vibrate through you. You winced and decided to remove the earpiece. "Won't you need that?" Cable asked you.

You gave a half crooked smile, "That's what you're here for, isn't it? Kick ass, not take names and listen to Wade's annoying voice shouting profane nonsense into your ears?"

Cable hummed, unamused by the image you just painted in his mind, "Unfortunately," he said. He opened his fanny pack- Ahem! His utility bag- and grabbed his lip balm, applying some on with a very serious expression on his face while maintaining eye contact with you. It felt both intimate and weird all at once. You were definitely confused by it. According to Wade, he did that a lot.

You cackled in a dramatic fashion after the eye contact turned from intense to awkwardly silly, filling the empty street with a Wicked-Witch-of-the-West sounding laugh echoing through the empty street. Bored, you used your abilities to amplify the frequency, making the laugh boom louder.

Cable tilted his head as Wade undoubtedly had something to say about your use of your powers for no reason other than boredom, "Wade said to keep it down to the 'sexy octave levels of James Earl Jones'," Cable relayed to you.

You whispered "Fuck you, Wade Wilson," and amplified the sound of your words into an even louder pitch until the glass windows groaned from the intensity and Cable was forced to cover his ears from the sheer volume of it.

"That's not exactly keeping things discrete, DJ, might want to tone it down a bit!" Cable shouted in discomfort, his words drowned out by the frequency of your own.

"Yeah, well we've been sitting in this car park dressed like background characters of a Will and Grace special for two hours now. If she was indeed on her way here, she'd have been here by now!" You huffed.

The two of you were on rear exit duty. If Wade and Domino failed to trap and kidnap the new contract, the two of you would give her a rude awakening. To your annoyance, your target was uncharacteristically tardy today, so for now, all four of you waited, dressed in the most unflattering disguises, staying incognito while stalking around the building your target regularly frequented. It was a Chinese restaurant that acted as a front for an illegal underground gambling ring. Your target was a pill pushing 'Madame' who had a habit of gambling away half her profits.

Cable closed his eyes and leaned against the hood of the car you drove in, it was a taxi, Deadpool had called up his pal Dopinder, who was out on a coffee run, to drive the four of you to the location. You sat cross-legged, shades shielding your eyes from the sun, on top of the warm yellow hood, there was an odd impression on the opposite side of the bumper that looked like the kind of mark someone who had been run over would leave.

Cable was taking slow, thoughtful breaths, not at all bored by the inactivity. You had noticed he always carried a teddy bear everywhere with him, it was quite the juxtaposition to his otherwise serious, brooding default setting. Letting curiosity win over you, you blurted out: "What's the deal with little Osito there?"

Osito was Spanish for bear. You had grown up in a bilingual household. Your mom was the one who prominently spoke Spanish at home, you had an easy time picking it up as a kid.

"What's the deal with the scars on your hands?" He asked, deflecting his personal question by asking you a personal question of your own. Smartass. He thought he had the upper hand, he assumed you wouldn't be comfortable talking about your scars, everyone always assumed that. He was in for a rude awakening!

"Casualty of being such a badass!" you quipped playfully. Cable gave you a small chuckle making you feel like you had just paved through a new milestone in your… acquaintance-ship?

"Is that so?"

"I managed to bring the great Cable to his knees on our first meeting, so yeah, I say so," you smirked proudly at him and he scowled.

"As a kid, my parents didn't understand what I was. I didn't either. I'd cause small quakes when I was angry or sad or happy or excited. Murdered a lot of Mom's fine china. Busted Dad's TV once. Eventually, they couldn't pretend anymore, and I saw how much I scared them. I scared myself if I'm honest. They told me to be normal, stop with all my craziness. I didn't know any better, I didn't know my abilities were as much a part of me as the colour of my eyes or the slant of my nose, so I repressed it. These-" you rotated your hands this way and that, giving Cable a show of spirit fingers, showcasing all the scars and tears from years of cuts and numerous surgeries, "These were the resulting effect. I broke many fingers. Some cases the waves would slice through skin. After my eighth break, I said 'Fuck it!' I began to use my abilities freely and openly. Of course, I was smart enough to know when to be discrete and when to wreak untold havoc upon some asshole who groped my ass in high school. And I haven't looked back ever since."

You had shocked Cable with your candour. You never minded explaining the scars, they were just younger versions of your many battle wounds. They made you what you are -which may not be perfect, but you couldn't give a flying fuck if you didn't conform to societies controlled demographic of normalcy. You were a rebel all your own. You gave Cable a wink, not at all shy or embarrassed that you just spilt private secrets so nonchalantly.

"Jesus," he said, only with less sarcasm then you ever thought him able to muster. "Did you kill him? The Asshole in high school?"

You laughed, amused at his question. He must think you some sociopath. Then again with an apathetic partner like Truth Dog and a habit of shooting up Wade all the time, he might not be wrong. It was still fun though!

"No, I didn't kill him. I used my sonic frequency to shatter all his trophies the school displayed in the trophy case. I may not have seen it, but I know he cried afterwards. Murder isn't the only solution you know. Some days you just have to find what stupid, materialist things people associate with their self-worth and-" You focused a low-frequency sound wave on the car and the window glass shattered in your demonstration, "Apply enough pressure!"

"My CAR!" Dopinder whined from behind you as he raced over to the taxi with his tray of coffees.

"Whoops!" You whispered before pointing nonchalantly to Cable, "He forgot to set his gun to stun. He sneezed and it just went off. Be glad he hadn't had the dial turned up to 11!" You blatantly threw Cable under the bus. He didn't say anything, but you could feel his cool eyes staring at you in less than amused mood. You giggled playfully.

"Yeah, well I hope you can pay for this Mr Cable, because I already have that dent to get out from Mr Pool's joyride when he was drunk that one time and decided to go all GTA on everyone," Dopinder said in his accented tone.

"Put it on my tab," Cable growled, causing Dopinder to gulp, a bead of sweat gathering above his temple.

"On second thought, I'll just put it on Mr Pool's tab. Since he'll… you know, need to use my cab again."

"Did you say something, Mr Roboto?" You heard Deadpool coo over the earpiece at Cable.

"Your coffee is here," Cable said. Through the earpiece, you heard Wade make an excited squealing noise and what sounded like Domino sighing heavily.

Some seconds later, Deadpool and Domino came repelling down a pipe from the roof and rushed over to get their coffees from Dopinder. Domino chose to wear her hair in stylish Bantu Knots, she had said it was a bad hair day, but she looked as flawless as ever. You were afraid you might be in love with her, or maybe it was her hair or the fact she had heterochromia, or at the very least you were maybe little too obsessed with her outfit! Who cared, Domino was plain freaking awesome!

"Give me that sugary goodness," Deadpool said as he kissed Dopinder through his mask and reached for his coffee. He took his mask off halfway, exposing his mouth, and sucked down dramatically on the frothiest, most hideous excuse for a coffee you had ever seen.

Domino grabbed her macchiato and Cable his latte, you were surprised someone all dark and brooding and serious like him would drink anything with milk in it. You grabbed your cappuccino and thanked Dopinder who was drinking a milkshake.

"What the FUCK is this?" Deadpool asked after he finally finished taking his first sip, more like chug. "This isn't the Caramel Macchiato, Venti, Skim, Extra Shot, Extra-Hot, Extra-Whip, Sugar-Free coffee I ordered!" He bellowed loudly.

"Are you sure that thing is even classified as coffee anymore?" Domino quipped after taking a sip of her macchiato.

"Are you sure that thing is even classified as coffee anymore?" Wade mimicked like a four-year-old brat.

"Whatever," Domino said raising her hands in the air and rolling her eyes.

"The real question is: Where is this easy target and big payday you promised me?" You inched closer to Wade with a look that could kill. You blew air in his ear and amplified the inaudible frequency so that it damn near scrambled his brain. He squalled like a crying child with colic and dropped his Starbucks cup, foam and syrup and what little actual coffee there was in it splattered on the hood of the car coating everyone in the sickly sweet liquid except for Domino, by some unfair miracle.

"That's just fucking great!" Cable said in annoyance as he used his free hand to wipe away the frothy foam that covered his chest. You did the same and licked some of the foam off your finger, all the guys ogled you like you were some damn peacock.

"Men!" Domino said in disgust. You giggled as the gleeful feeling of dominating power coursed through you.

"To answer your question, Carrie White," Wade was referring to you.

"Carrie had telekinetic powers, Mr Pool, wouldn't it make more sense to call her Abra Stone, I'm pretty sure if she tried DJ could generate an earthquake too?" Dopinder asked innocently.

"No, Dopinder, what would make more sense would be to call her Black Canary, but given as how that is a completely different comic book universe and the fact that whoever thought up DJ's powers was an unimaginative lout who couldn't think up something cooler than sound manipulation and also thought DJ was an intuitive play on words and abilities, no, I do not think it would be better to call her Abra Stone. Shockwave maybe... but that’s trdemarked by Hasbro, so," everyone looked at Deadpool in confusion. "Anyway! I'm pretty sure she'll show up any minu-" Deadpool was interrupted by the sound of his phone receiving a message.

"Whoops, Ha-ha, forgot to put that on vibrate," Wade wiggled his eyebrows which strained against the tight fabric of his mask, "Ah, it's Weasel, apparently Madam Mayflower… Pffft- Mayflower! Anyway, apparently, she's not coming. She's going somewhere else today. Oooh! It's a Burlesque Club!"

"Well, what's the fucking plan?" Cable asked showing signs of impatience for the first time.

_Wade looked over at you, Cable and Domino, his eyebrows clearly raised in mischief behind his mask._

_“Now Madonna, Cher and… The Jackson Five,” he pointed to each of you, assigning you with the corresponding singer’s name._

_Domino rolled her eyes at being designated as the entire music group of the Jackson Five (it was no doubt a play on the fact she usually wore her hair in an afro)._

_Wade made sure he used his most diva emulating performance to sell his pitch, “Put on your favourite dancing shoes and wear your skimpiest outfit. Because ladies, we’re going to put on the best burlesque show of our lives!”_

_“Jesus,” Cable grumbled. You noticed he did that a lot. You wondered if it would ever stop being comical and turn annoying._

_Domino raised her hand._

_“Yes, Jackson Five?”_

_“Which 80′s singer are you in this scenario?”_

_“Why, the legendary Dolly Parton, of course!” Deadpool said gleefully_

"What about me Mr Pool?" Dopinder asked feeling a little left out.

"You are Driving Miss Daisy, now common let's go," Wade walked in imaginary heels and sauntered like a runway model to the front seat in the cab.

"That's not even a singer," Dopinder said with a frown.

"Hey, at least you aren't given the title of an entire music group just because of your hair!" Domino said in deadpan.

"Nah, he just got stereotyped as a slow cab driver!" You chimed in before taking your seat in the middle of the cab.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Part Two](https://scribeofmorpheus.tumblr.com/post/176943944535/i-dont-dance-to-dubstep-part-2-x)
> 
>  
> 
> [ **Here**](https://scribeofmorpheus.tumblr.com/post/177599301870/deletedscenedeadpool) is a deleted scene of dialogue for this chapter if you are interested!  
>  ****


	4. Do Heels Make Me Look Fat?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** I don’t even know what the hell inspired this chapter tbh! I just love the banter between all the characters and the reader. This series is quite old so the Stan Lee cameo may seem odd considering. Also, Dopinder is a killer cinnamon roll. I will say this: the next chapter contains TIMETRAVEL SHENANIGANS!!
> 
>  **Remember:** Reader’s alter ego (nickname) is **DJ**  
>  **Words:** 2621  
>  **Warnings:** Mature Language, Mention of Sexual Kinks,Stan Lee what are you doing here?  
> 

_(gif isn’t mine)_

  


The taxi was parked in the lot of a clothing and specialists store tastefully named 'Dom N' A's Tricks.'

You had never rolled your eyes so far back into your head you thought they'd roll like bowling balls until you read that tacky sign.

When everyone was arguing amongst themselves as to who should do the shopping, Wade had suggested a sing-off and the loser would have to buy the supplies. As soon as Cable heard 'sing-off' he practically threw himself out of the car and hurled himself into the store.

Wade and Dopinder were singing along to Sonny and Cher's: I Got You Babe playing on CD in an overly enthusiastic performance to pass the time.

You and Domino sat in the back seat of the taxi with your mouths agape and a bug-eyed expression painted on both your faces.

" _They say we're young and we don't know, we won't find out until we grow,_ " Wade sang Cher's part in a high pitch, of course.

" _Well I don't know if all that's true, 'Cause you got me, and baby I got you_ ," Dopinder was smiling euphorically as he sang along in a pleasant voice.

Dopinder and Wade turned their heads towards each other at the same time like it had been choreographed.

 _"I got you babe,"_ they sang together, Deadpool theatrically gracing Dopinder’s cheek as though they were filming some romance musical.

Dopinder, feeling not at all uncomfortable with Wade's lack of acknowledging other people’s personal space, played along and swayed his head from side to side.

 _"I got you babe,"_ they continued singing along.

"Kill me now," Domino said in an exasperated huff.

You were speechless as you watched the act Dopinder and Wade were putting on.

"It's like I'm watching a re-run of all the nightmares I didn't know I had repressed play through in high definition..." You said to no one in particular.

Feeling in no particular mood to listen to the duet between the two weirdos in the front, you used your ability to generate a white noise hum to drown out all other noises. What you were doing was basically generating an ability induced set of earplugs.

Unbeknownst to you as the calming thrum of the white noise lulled you to the brink of sleep, a panicked Cable came sprinting to the car while red lights blared from inside the store and a skinny tatted woman shot off her shotgun in the direction of the car.

There was a busted window behind the woman that had the jagged but noticeable outline of a large man. It looked like a cartoon outline. Deadpool flailed about in his seat as a splatter of his blood missed Domino's face by an impossible inch, no doubt a shotgun pellet had managed to hit him.

You opened your eyes when you noticed Dopinder panic and put the car in reverse, bumping into a light post jerking you from your seat.

You stopped producing the white noise and suddenly you were bombarded with too much information for a sane person to process all at once.

"Drive!" Cable shouted as he threw the box of clearly shoplifted goods in between you and Domino.

Dopinder put the car in drive and his tyres screeched as he burned rubber behind him. The lady with the shotgun let off another shot and shattered the rear window. All three of you in the back ducked on instinct.

"What the fuck did you do, Cable?" Wade chastised in the same high pitch he used to sing Cher's lines.

"I don't carry cash on me and I figured we were in a hurry!" Cable bit back.

"Who doesn't bring money with them when they go shopping?" Wade asked idiotically.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe a half-human cyborg from the FUTURE?" Domino shouted over the two of them.

"Then why did he volunteer to buy all the sexy roleplay stuff?" Wade asked.

"Maybe because you threatened to make him sing a duet with you when he was clearly uncomfortable, Mr Pool," Dopinder enlightened him.

"Can everyone stop referring to me in the third person, please? I'm right here!" Cable exclaimed.

"Well if you're from the future an argument could be made for the fact that you are actually existing in two places simultaneously..." You chipped in.

Cable grumbled at you and Deadpool looked in the distance and said, "And that is called a continuity plot-hole ladies and gentlemen!"

"A WHAT HOLE?" You, Cable and Domino asked in unison, completely confused by Wade's comical shtick.

Wade noticed a street sign up ahead that read Parker Ave and pointed to it hastily, "Quick, Dopinder, take the next left and go down the street Uncle Ben will undoubtedly not be killed in during the current MCU reboot!"

Dopinder followed Wade's instructions and drove down Parker Ave and used the back roads to drive to your destination while avoiding the freeway and the mass of cops that were probably out searching for the five assailants that robbed Dom N' A's Tricks store.

***

"I look utterly ridiculous!" You pouted as you looked at your distorted reflection through a store window.

True to the singer persona Wade had given you earlier at the Chinese Restaurant, you wore a platinum blonde wig, a leather corset and fishnets, coupled with six-inch heels that could kill someone just by tripping over a cobblestone walkway.

"Here's the finishing touch," Wade held out a pair of fake teeth with a gap in the middle.

You looked at Cable in astonishment, "Did you buy a set of faux teeth?"

"I take no credit. That was all him," Cable said as he stared at you with intense eyes.

"I'm not putting on a set of fake teeth, Wade!" You warned as you focused the sound waves generated by the whooshing cars driving passed to shatter the plastic teeth into a million pieces.

"You have no respect for the art of role-playing," Wade said.

"I think you mean Cosplay?" Domino corrected him.

"I meant what I said!" Wade shouted as he reached into the backseat to grab another outfit from the box of stolen goods. "Alright sweet cheeks, your turn," He handed the clothes to Domino.

Domino gave the outfit one glance then looked at her own attired and gave Wade a condescending look, "Uh, no thanks. I'm already in costume."

Wade was about to protest against Domino's refusal to change into a new costume when you interjected, "Look I can do the whole infiltrating and catching the target off guard routine on my own. Domino you're on crowd suppression duty, Cable just cover my six from a vantage point, Dopinder keep the meter running and Wade…"

"Yeah?" He questioned cautiously.

"Put on the wig and heels. You're my dance partner, sweet cheeks!" You retorted with a sinister smile.

Domino and Cable laughed, enjoying your little power trip and the fact Wade had to wear a wig and a pair of heels... again!

Feeling a bit flustered, Wade dropped the box on the taxi's boot and placed both his hands on his hips, "Well, jokes on you! I've actually been looking for an excuse to wear heels again. They make my calf muscles pop!"

"Sure thing Queer Eye. Go get changed." You shooed him into the cab.

***

When Wade was fully in costume -above his regular costume, naturally- he quickly made his way up a three-story window that was the entrance into the Burlesque clubs dressing room with ease. You'd die before admitting this, but Wade's agility was something you envied.

You looked up at the window and then down at your heels wondering how on this God's green Earth would you manage to get up there without busting an ankle. Maybe if you focused the sound waves from a considerable sound generating source you could levitate on a cushion of sound waves, but there was nothing loud enough to draw from in your vicinity.

Domino noticed the crease of your brow and smacked Cable's chest before nodding her head in your direction to let him know his assistance was needed.

Cable stood up from the hood of the car, the temporary indent straightening out when his weight was removed. He walked over to you and looked between you and the window, before making a brace with his fingers and getting low on one knee.

"Need a boost?"

You looked down at him, took off your heels and placed your foot on the brace he made, "Since you're offering."

"Hey, don't get any ideas. He's mine!" Wade shouted from the window as he sat on the sill and stretched his arm out for you to grab.

Cable hoisted you up, his metal arm grabbing your ass for the briefest moment. You tried to act like the contact of hard metal on your ass wasn't invigorating and pleasantly different. Fuck! Now you had a new kink to add to your ever expanding list: Metal Arm Ass Groping. Quite the mouthful, you'd have to think up some catchy abbreviation for it later.

With his mechanised strength, he flung you high up into the air and you managed to grab Wade’s hand and he pulled you into the club. Domino and Cable made scarce and disappeared to get with the plan.

You put your heels back on.

"Naughty, naughty," Wade tut-tutted as he noticed your flushed cheeks and devious grin.

"Please, like you haven't thought about it!" You retorted as you marched out of the dressing room and down to the private parlour’s dancer entrance, more than ready to kidnap this Madam Mayflower and pay your rent to your sleazy landlord.

Behind you, Wade gasped in exaggeration as he followed suit walking like a model with poise and grace.

***

The upbeat tempo of the music you were dancing to filled the private lounge where Madam Mayflower sat with a glass of champagne in one hand and a cigar in another. She was guarded by four bodyguards who seemed to be having a hard time appearing stoic and immovable since they were constantly stealing glances of your seductive dance number.

Mayflower eyed you with desire clearly advertised on her face as she licked her lips and eyed you up and down.

"I count two guards on the second floor," Domino's voice rippled out to you through Wade's earpiece as he sat waiting patiently for you to give the signal to make the move on Mayflower.

"I count six others circling the perimeter." Cable's voice rippled out too.

"Something tells me there isn't a stealthy way to handle this," Wade whispered.

"Tell me I didn't dress up like a dominatrix for nothing, Wade!" You said in annoyance, your hands rubbing at your sore temples as you blinked rapidly. You dance routine thrown out the proverbial window.

Madam Mayflower looked at you in confusion, "I'm sorry is this part of the act? I don't remember role play being a part of the package… not that I'm complaining." She said with a heavy lilt as she proceeded to suckle on her lower lip suggestively.

You didn't have time to deal with her horny attitude right now so you raised a finger at her and said plainly, "Just hold on a minute," You curved your back a little and leaned back so that you could peak through the curtain Wade was hiding behind, "Wade just come out here and do your thing, toss me the earpiece."

"What the hell is going on here?" Mayflower demanded from you. Her bodyguards circling in around her, creating a human barrier.

Wade emerged from behind the curtain full of energy and pizzazz, a leather whip in one hand and a pair of handcuffs in the other.

"You do know Burlesque and BDSM aren't the same thing right?" you asked him.

"Don't ruin this for me," Wade shushed you as he tossed the earpiece your way. He cracked the whip against the open space and made a neighing sound, "Come on boys!" He teased the bodyguards.

"Just keep it quiet, Wade," You reminded him.

Mayflower made a motion to jump out of her chair but you thrust her back into it using a controlled burst of waves.

The sound of Wade fighting off the bodyguards with his whip was thankfully drowned out by the loud music that played in the room.

"Cable, when I say _when_ , I need you and Domino to generate a loud noise right above the window I'm waving to you from." You said through the earpiece.

Cable searched for your waving figure through the scope of his gun. When he spotted you, he saw Deadpool engaging in a fight with four other guards still wearing his heels and wielding a bullwhip.

"What the?" Cable whispered through the earpiece.

"Remember, when I give the signal, generate big boom!" You said in a baby voice as you thrust Mayflower back into her seat for the umpteenth time again.

"How are we supposed to do that?" Domino asked.

"Get lucky I guess," you joked.

When you turned to see if all the guards were knocked unconscious you looked over at Deadpool who was wiping non-existent sweat from his masked face. During all the excitement you noticed someone had snatched his wig off.

"Hey, Indiana Jones, throw Mayflower through the window," you told him as you opened the large window.

"Wh-What?" Mayflower shouted in shock, her eyes wide with fear.

"What? No, I'm not gonna throw my paycheck out the wind-"

You cleared your throat and clicked your heels, "You mean our paycheck?"

"That's what I said!" Deadpool said all too defensively.

"Just do it, Catwoman!"

"Okay geez, enough with the outdated references already," he groaned as he flung a very scared Mayflower out the window.

"The woman currently hurtling to her death, is that the signal?" Cable asked an instant later.

"Yes!" You shouted as you jumped after Mayflower too.

“WHAT THE FUCK DJ?” Deadpool shouted after you as you began to free fall with Mayflower down several stories.

“Oh, not good,” you heard Domino scurry about anxiously over the earpiece.

Mayflower was screaming like one of the Bond girls.

 _Please, don't let me die swan diving after a Madame,_ you secretly prayed to whatever cosmic entity watched over your universe.

Suddenly, a large explosion of fireworks went off in a dumpster near the taxi and the sound of the exploding gunpowder and the vigorous force the projectiles produced when they hit the metal lids generated strong enough sound waves for you to generate a cushion of waves to catch you and Mayflower before you turned to street pizza.

 _Your prayers have been answered my child,_ A smiling Stan Lee whispered in your inner ear. Where the fuck did that come from, you wondered.

You landed gracefully on both feet while Mayflower landed in a puddle on her face next to you.

"Okay, we can go now!" You shouted up to Wade who decided the quickest way down was the same way you made your exit. He was lucky the fireworks were still producing enough sound that you were able to catch him and lower him mid-air onto the ground.

Domino appeared out of nowhere as a small explosion went off behind her and Cable grappled down the side of the building he had set up his sniper position by using his metal arm to dig into the brick and slow his momentum.

All four of you (plus a muddied Mayflower locked in the trunk) got into the cab and headed for Al's apartment before any of the bodyguards could fully realise what had just transpired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like my writing? Have any suggestions for a story arc? Want to know when the next update will be, or simply get faster chapter updates? Or maybe you just want to ask me a question or take part in my writing competitions where you could win a fic of your choice by me? Then [Follow me on Tumblr](https://scribeofmorpheus.tumblr.com) and don't forget to leave a kudos, comment or even an emoji! It would mean the world to me!

**Author's Note:**

> Don't be afraid to comment or leave feedback. In fact, it's encouraged!


End file.
